Living and
moving through 24 hours every day for 24 years has shown me a glaring flaw in
the way I interact with myself, faith, and people. I am a liar. I would like to
say lying is in my past, something I struggled with when I was an insecure
private school girl hoping to make friends on the first day of school, but I
can’t. I am a liar, today in present time and tense. Every day I have the
ability to use my words to cultivate love and shine a greater light that is
beyond my own ability, but has been given to me through great sacrifice and
love. I try to do that on a daily basis. But I spend most days in front of the
computer studying, writing, and moving through my college days. When I am out
and about I prefer to listen to others and open up the floor for them to share
and be honest with me. I stay silent. Dishonesty goes far beyond gossip and
lying through every “fine” or “good” you respond to in short politically
correct situations. When you do not open your mouth at all about the reality of
where you are at, that is dishonest. It is hard to be honest in a culture, a church, and a world
that would rather be present in the highlights and avoid the dark nights.
Reality is that
all of us are facing something, we are feeling something, and we are learning
something. Not all of those somethings are neat and pretty, most of the time
they are hard and dang messy. To get to the pretty blooms, growth must take
place. The hard work of growing happens in the dirty muck of the ebbs and flows
of our 24-hour time table. One day can start out high in the clouds where
rainbows always flare and stars fall, but then an interaction with pain can
shift your day and your days to come completely.
Cancer. Lost
Job. Death. Bad Grade. Breakup. Betrayal. Argument. Sickness. Car Trouble.
Insurance Frustration. Telemarketers that won’t stop interrupting your day. A
sick pet. A sick kid. A headache. You
swear all the children must have had sugar for breakfast and you can’t handle
the fumes of donuts and fruity pebbles. The mess of it all. It can last for a day
or rock the months and years ahead, a journey that God never wanted us to
experience. But one that because of Christ’s death and resurrection will be
used for good, despite the enemies plans and schemes; we have a hope.
One thing can
shift, but you can’t speak about it because you love Jesus and that means you
need to hold the cards close, because if you can’t hold them your faith must be
weak. You need help, you must not know the helper. You need to vent, you must
not believe that God is good. These are lies we can believe that keep us from
honestly living life in front of each other. When we live honestly, we invite
others to love, and it is by our love for each other that this world will know
God.
Life is messy.
Life can be real crappy sometimes and that can make a good little Christian
embarrassed to lay it all down and let others get down and speak truth into a
hurting heart. I have lived my life in this place. Keeping my issues and pain
under lock and key, with a plastic smile on my face. I am a liar. What if I had
lived surrendered? What if I unapologetically raised my white flag high and was
honest with who I saw in the mirror? Honest with the one who laid it all down
so I could live and speak freely. Honest with the ones next to me on Sunday morning,
in home group; the environments we are encouraged to come into with our broken
and ugly. Instead I have chosen to live and hide in a state of dishonesty all
to save face within Christianity.
But wasn’t it
the Apostle Paul that said “in our weakness He [God] is made strong”. God is
made known in our weakness and in how we love. Both take unapologetic honesty,
vulnerability, authenticity…whatever you want to call it. I crave it. I want
it. I think the church was called to it, honestly. Honesty with ourselves, with
our savior, and with the ones standing next to us. To be known in raw and rough
reality, in Christ’s name. Surrendered to a greater purpose than entering and
exiting on a Sunday with a nugget of truth, but a steal box surrounding our
messy. Honesty. What if you and I took time to not only listen to someone else
be honest, but opened up and were honest in return. I think love would bloom, I
think Christ would be glorified and this pain filled world would gain a spark
of hope from the body of Christ speaking and living honestly.
Honestly, I
think dishonesty is what keeps us locked up and from experiencing the welcoming
of an Acts 2 church…who helps, lives, and is united in community with each
other loving and serving the world around them. I crave truth and real
connection to those who confess Christ as Savior; who are in this journey
too. But, if we are all only lifting up the highlights for the world to see and
keep the dark nights tucked behind our backs; locked in our hearts…are we
really experiencing the community we have through Christ blood as His chosen
and adopted children? I think we experience a standard definition of community,
a little fuzzy and sometimes completely out of tune with Christ. We were made
and meant to experience each other in the highest and purest of definition,
plugged into Christ and welcomed in, because each of us on this
messy planet was made in the image of God.
Honestly, I
think honesty is what will breakdown the invisible walls between our seats and rows
in church. Honestly I think honesty will light up the table so bright that
every believer will see that the table will not function without their voice,
and the unbeliever will see a table that always has room for more to come sit.
The body needs all of its parts to function, not just ones that are “in” with a
pastors family or went to seminary. The body of Christ needs all of its members
to be the church, and when one member is down the others are there to support
the weak and broken as it heals and mends. Honesty, this picture of the church
can be a reality. In fact it was a reality.
“They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching, to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread, and to prayer. Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and signs were being performed through the apostles. Now all the believers were together and held all things in common. They sold their possessions and property and distributed the proceeds to all, as any had need. Every day they devoted themselves to meeting together in the temple, and broke bread from house to house. They ate their food with joyful and sincere hearts, praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. Every day the Lord added to their number those who were being saved.” Acts 2:42-47
This is my old
space with a new face and I make a vow to you. I will write in this space in
honesty and live outside of this space in honesty. I will not hide my lows for
the sake of creating a picture of unrealistic highs. I would like to share
honestly my journey. You may not like it. It may make you sad. I may make you
angry. I will be wrong sometimes, but this is my journey and I want to be
honest. I hope you will be honest with me and in your life too. I hope we can
share this vow as we fly into our worlds and our churches in the freedom that
we have been set free. That means many things but in this moment, it means we
can be real, raw, and honest about all of our story; past and present.
- Hannah
