Blood Bonds

"Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, 'I find no pleasure in them'." 

Ecclesiastes 12:1

Question: Explore your relationship to grief. What was the last time you allowed yourself to feel it? What were you grieving, specifically? What did it teach you? What is it teaching you now?

Today I cried. I was sitting at my desk wrestling with an assignment and I cried. This past weekend my cousin got married to a beautiful woman. I wish I could speak to how lovely the two of them are and speak to memories I have of my cousin, but I can’t. So I cried. 

I grew up feeling a strong sense of loyalty to my family, a deep love and devotion that sticks in through thick and thin not matter how negative I feel.  I have a deep devotion for my extended family, sadly there is a fact I can’t ignore. I do not know my family. I have this whole group of people that I know by name, but not their stories and I am related to them. There is something wrong to me about sharing a name and blood, but not knowing who a person is. 

I cried and I let myself grieve not knowing my family and the sad fact that I probably never will know these people beyond the highlights of their lives. Maybe my grief is an only child thing, I desire to know people and be known in return. Or maybe I just want to go to a function and not feel awkward and out of place among people who are in my family tree. I think the only family member outside of my parents I had a bond with was my Nana. I never knew everything about her, but I knew more about her beyond the superficial. I knew her heart and experienced the beauty of her spirit. I cried. 

Another reason to cry. I do not think my Nana would like the state of our family. We don’t talk or celebrate all together beyond the occasional wedding and those lovely memorials. Holidays and family vacations are not in our rotation and to be honest they went away long before my Nana died. It makes me question what family is and why my family is the way it is. I look at other families and they make each other a priority, they share big news at least through an email, and they talk on a semi regular basis. Why don’t we do that? I honestly don’t know. I have suspicion. 

What am I learning and what have I learned. Well I learned I really want to discard my family, but I can’t. Not just because it is wrong to jump ship because of how I feel, but because I can’t not leave my family behind even though they feel like they already are. I am still really bad at reaching out to people, that fact hasn’t changed in a matter of days. Maybe if I was better at it, but then a relationship takes two, but then if I tried maybe there would be a relationship. I like to stay hidden, but yet want to know and be known. It is a puzzle that I do not even completely understand. Maybe relationships require sweat. Maybe my tears are not a cry for connectedness, but a reminder that if I want something I have to work at it and devote time to it. 

Maybe my family just doesn’t have time for each other. I think that is sad, even in the midst of all the Facebook happy news I see from my family and the things we have each been given in our marriages, additions, and new chapters…it is still sad I can’t know them yesterday. Or I won’t know them. Or I am not meant to be known. Or maybe blood is just blood, till you accept the relationship that exists through it. 

Family is complicated and beautiful, and it is something I find myself grieving as I celebrate and lament. I don’t have memories, inside jokes, or know their favorite colors and foods. I want to know my family and that is why my tears fall. 

- Hannah

Coffee Wallet

He who is not contented with what he has, would not be contented with what he would like to have.
— Socrates

Question: What areas of your life, in the past, have been stripped from excess? What was left? Did you survive? (Spoiler alert: Yes.) What does this mean for you, today? 

The first things that comes to mind is when my parents confronted my Starbucks addiction. There was a time when I was going to Starbucks every day, meeting friends or just because…every day included a Starbucks. Really costly and oh so healthy. I was stripped from my excessive compulsion for Starbucks coffee and introduced to coffee at home, which isn’t as sparkly as the green lady, but it gets the job done. 

It seems frivolous, but isn’t that the way of excess. It is stuff, things, and even drinks we do not need, but indulge for our own comfort and desire. What was left from my being stripped of my daily dose of caffeine in the cute cup? A big temper tantrum and slowly learning and appreciating what I did have. I have a coffee maker that makes a mighty fine cup of coffee at a significantly lesser price than my desire. And I have way cuter mugs than even the cutest Starbucks seasonal cup. I learned to appreciate the treat of sitting down across from a kindred spirit or new friend for conversation and specialty crafted coffee. It is a treat, not something I am owed or should expect in my every day. 

I survived the great intervention of coffee and wallet. I learned to value my money and my parent’s money, because yes I was using both to indulge. I learned to appreciate treats and my normal days. 

Another time I can think of was at college. I had to learn to share my space. It wasn’t too hard to give up my only child ways, but it is something that I had to get used to. The room was not my room, but our room and I had to respect that. Only children get spoiled in never having to share our room, for me my space has always been not only unique to me, but a place to reflect and be silent. All those good vibes disappear in college, you have to share and that is a weird feeling. I survived brilliantly and learned how to daily pick up my stuff and keep my space tidy. I have never been a neat freak, but college gave me an appreciation for less stuff and keeping those things in order. 

Excess is something I know all too well. I have been with and without and within, all at the same time. Even in my without, I still have much. Through experience I know that I can survive with the bare minimum of clothes, a book, my bible, and a computer…and still that is much. I can fluctuate from guilt to appreciation when I look around me. At the end of the day I have to remind myself that all of it is a gift I have been given. It is not meant to stay with me forever or even longer than it takes for me to read a book. It is all mean to be shared and given away. I am thankful for what is in my life today and what is to come, but I know if it all goes away and I am left empty handed, I still have more than enough. 

It is from this place that I daily try to live. I sometimes cave to convenience and the “more monster” and buy those books, art supplies, coffee, clothes, and shoes. I let my will win out over thankfulness for what I have before me to use, wear, enjoy, and give away. It all reveals the deeper issues of my heart, that even on my best of days I do not like to acknowledge, but I know they are there. So on my better days, I face my want and the excess around me and I say thank you for what I have and say no to shiny things that are already before me.

- Hannah

Yesterday Into Tomorrow

"Not everyone believes in her and not everyone supports her, but her God goes with her and that is what sustains her." — Morgan Harper-Nichols

Question: Disappointment can be a lovely catalyst for change. When is the last time you disappointed yourself? What triggered the action or behavior? What did you learn about your own inherent reactions? How might you change? 

I feel like I disappoint myself on a regular basis. I am a perfectionist and every time I fall back down and realize that what I am trying to achieve is impossible I shake my head. I know I will never reach my idea of perfection, I can’t get to it, craft it, will it, or strive for it, because every time I end up on my face. On a more practical note I have a list of things I need/want to accomplish before my classes start back up. I have done some of the things, but most are still staring at me and reminding me that work is coming fast. I feel disappointment in my body, sometimes I feel confident and proud of where I am at, and other times I wonder why I keep eating, exercising, and trying to be and wondering what “being” is all about. 

Disappointment, can then be flipped to productivity. I wrote the above paragraph a few days ago and I am now two days into my class. My disappointment from a few days ago has pushed me to use my time wisely during this season. I have sixteen weeks before I can take a big breath of rest, till then I want to work hard and enjoy the mini breaths I find throughout the day and in my weekends. They exist if I am willing to let them in and before I know it I am another week closer to sleeping in and cozy nights in front of the fire with a good book. I digress.

I spent my past Sunday working hard for two hours to get everything done, before my 9 o’clock bed time. I didn’t get everything done, but it reminded me after a summer of rest how much I can get done if I keep my head down and power through. I cleaned out my car, prepared my binder, set up my desk, put away summer fun, and wrote up a trial school/creative/work schedule for the first week back and made it to bed around 10. Not too bad for the last minute, but how much more could have been accomplished and maybe I could have gone to bed on time if I had started earlier.

Disappointment can lead to change. So far this first week has been productive and I am enjoying having a set schedule to my days as I prioritize my soul as well as my mind. But not all disappointment leads to a positive change, it can lead to the depths of defeat and self-loathing. I can be doing my things and running a good race, but things end up in a hot mess. It is easy to get defeated when you have been working hard and things end up going south or you get a bad grade, or the presentation dies, or your ideas are shot down, despite all the hours you have put in. It hurts. But if all of my trials, errors, and detours have taught me anything…perseverance is the way to go. Keep going, pursuing your gifts, your responsibilities, and your deepest frustrations, because they are what you have been given. Not everything in life is easy, but not all the hard things will turn into the right things…I got you there didn’t I. Not all of the things you work and strive towards will turn out. Even when you keep pounding your way through them they just die, but on the other side there is something else. It may not be “better” compared to what you dreamed, but I can bet it will be the “good” thing. Disappointment can be a catalyst to beautiful new adventures in the midst of letting go or even laying something down; surrender. 

Maybe disappointment is really an invitation to something deeper and only a complete downer when we let it reign in our hearts and rule our lives.

- Hannah

All Of It

"On most days, we're not perfect, but we're fine, and on some days, we're not fine, but we're okay, and on a few singular days of the year: nothing is okay, not even a little, and everything is terrible, and forever, amen. This fragility, this delicate nature of being, is the life we're commisioined to celebrate." - Erin Loechner 

Question: Name a particular emotion/event in your life you haven’t yet reconciled or recovered from. What steps can you take to move from denial to acceptance? From innocence to ownership? 

I have a past and I have recent past, but it is all from yesterday. I do not like how yesterday can plague my thoughts in a flash during a pause. I do my best to learn from the past, to see the good and the bad. The black and white, of what is true in my story. There is no room for grey in ownership of my life. I hide, push, and leave in stressful situations that show the world my weaknesses. I have said this already, but I do not like to be seen in vulnerable settings. I have been made fun of over and over in my yesterdays for my tears, so I do not let it rain in front of the world. I keep it locked, but eventually the box has to open. 

Owning my yesterdays has been more than accepting that mistakes were made, it has meant taking the next step and apologizing for my actions to those I pushed away through my actions; spreading the message that they were not enough for me. They are not enough. Owning means accepting and doing what needs to be done to move forward and live as peaceably as possible with everyone that has fallen victim to my sin. 

Living authentically, is a hard but beautiful way of embracing the good and bad with abandon and complete honesty. I know my weaknesses and faults, and will continue to learn and discover more about them just as I learn about my gifts and talents. Ownership also takes gratitude. Without the mistakes I wouldn’t know what I do now. I wouldn’t have grown without mistakes and successes. I need them all to become the woman I need to be. 

The temptation is to shine a light on all of the good parts of life, but the cost of not owning all of life is ignoring the pain my actions have caused and the sin that holds me back from truly loving others and experiencing life. Another Recovery tool I gained is Inventory. Step 5 of the process is to take a fearless and complete inventory of our lives. Continuing to take inventory of my days; my fears, hurts, and the ways I have caused harm helps me recognize bad behaviors, surrender my hurt to God, and walk forward in trying to live peaceably with all. 

Hiding doesn’t help anyone. More than anything it hinders personal growth and is definitely a sure fire way to slowly suck the life out of relationships. Owning your life makes you face your mistakes and gives you the ability to walk freely into what God has for you. I'd rather own my life than spend my time hiding from things I can’t change and miss the opportunity to move forward.

More Sparkle. More Shine.

"If you believe in a God who controls the big things, you have to believe in a God who controls the little things.  It is we, of course, to whom things look 'little' or 'big'." –Elisabeth Elliot

Question: “More is never enough.” Do you believe this to be true? How might you put this belief into practice in your own life? 

Yes, sadly more is never enough. There is always something else that makes what was received two seconds or even two years ago look like garbage. I struggle with this in an odd artistic book worm way. There is always another book that I would like to add to my to-read collection. I am that friend that makes you swear not to take me near a book store, but proceeds to take the wheel and drive us to one anyway. I can’t lie, I own more unread books than read, but still I constantly fight the urge to be content. Oh, and shoes, unique items of clothing, or jewelry are also a weakness. 

But deeper than the things I can see, I tend to play this “more” game with God. Most of the time I want more from Him and not more of Him. The more is much, but it is hollow without him. When I want more, is it really for Him or for me. My plan. My more, because what I have been given is not enough or is to “old” to use. Some of the best things in my life are those that are old; the jeans I keep going back to year after year, classic Nancy Drew, and the same brand of ball point pen. There are many things that I have that can run out and not be used, like jeans, books, and pens, they can become holey, decay, and run out of ink. Nothing lasts forever, but shouldn’t I use and enjoy what I have instead of tossing it aside for the “next”. The same holds true for what I can’t buy, my people, talents, and seasons of life. I can’t buy who and what my life looks like, but still the hunt is real for “more”. If I can’t treasure and be present with who I am and who is around me, am I really in a position to demand more if I am disregarding the gifts before me just because they aren’t as shiny as what is over there? 

More is never enough. There is always more after more. But what if I saw what I had as the more, because it is more…more than enough. I have more than what I need to survive, enjoy, and share over and over. I already have more, I pray that I will see it all as more than enough. Through the Holy Spirit I have more that I haven’t even tapped into, but it is before me to walk into…why isn’t the more that is unseen and is freely given through a divine sacrifice enough? Why is the world so sparkly, but dead, and what looks dull, fully alive and filled with the brilliant light of life? 

More, another cycle that is broken in surrender. Laying down what is dead, for what is alive. More in Christ is a deep and wide abundance that is more than enough, but the sparkle still shines. Have much and the more too and something about cake.  

- Hannah

Own It

"The harder thing is to notice when you're editing your soul, scissors in hand, and you've cropped an authentic friendship right out of the picture because you weren't strong enough to tell the truth." 

- Erin Loechner

Question: What have you failed to take ownership over your life? Write down what happened next.

My hurt feelings. Admitting that I have been hurt and walking through the pain appropriately. I have a habit of stuffing it all down and letting the seeds of hurt, turn into blossoms of bitterness with deep roots of unforgiveness. 

Standing up and saying I hurt is not my favorite proclamation to the world or admission to myself. I want to be made of steel where the sting of tongue poison does not leave my heart shaking with tenderness. I want to be impenetrable by others bad days turned inside out. I am not though. I am a heart that is open more than closed. I feel the sharp pain turn to sting and settle into a numbness that produces a seed. 

I don’t stand up in the face of the choice. I lay down and welcome in bitterness, because confronting the source is harder than letting the seed go. It is easier to justify than to throw the seed in the trash. Surrender. I have mentioned in almost every post. Sometimes the best way to confront is to let the person go and deal with the pain that is left behind, process it and not let it grow into more bitterness.

The results of not owning pain, letting it take root, and living with bitterness and unforgiveness is loneliness. It is a cycle of pushing away from the moment the pain takes root. It produces an inability to love fully. The letting go of the seed is a choice to love, to not let the cycle continue. It is cliché and is said in various circles, but hurt people hurt people. Hurting is a cycle that bitterness and unforgiveness love to spin through. 

Owning pain is authentic living. Words hurt and so do the painful real situations that can fuel those venom filled moments. Standing up and admitting the raw parts of life help break down the cycle and start on a path of healing and deeper relationships. Owning up to life, is owning up to every part of it. I have beautiful parts of my days, but I also have dark nights. I possess a mind that can play and replay insecurity and negativity towards myself. It runs through and through, and that is my mental battle. I can’t live in the battle alone. It is real and it’s not a side of life that I either enjoy or like admitting to, but to stop the cycle and live my life I have to own it. 

I fight my appearance. Yesterday I threw a fit over family pictures, because I do not like the way I look in them. I look bigger than I want to be and sometimes I just want to throw all the working out and eating healthy out the window, because it is not helping anything. I know all those things are good for me and “looking” is at the bottom of the list of health, it is feeling strong and being able to move through my days with a clear mind and full heart (can’t lose). This is another part of my emotional reality. It is real and I own it. No owning it, pretending it is not there is worse than standing up and admitting it. 

When we own our lives, every part of them, we let the light in. We throw the seeds out and let healing inside. The weeds will still pop up, but they do not stand a chance to continue to grow in a life that is willing to pull up the roots and show the world what is really there. A life that is embraced, is a life that can embrace not just the good parts of others, but also the not fun parts…because I am embracing mine. 

- Hannah