Own It

"The harder thing is to notice when you're editing your soul, scissors in hand, and you've cropped an authentic friendship right out of the picture because you weren't strong enough to tell the truth." 

- Erin Loechner

Question: What have you failed to take ownership over your life? Write down what happened next.

My hurt feelings. Admitting that I have been hurt and walking through the pain appropriately. I have a habit of stuffing it all down and letting the seeds of hurt, turn into blossoms of bitterness with deep roots of unforgiveness. 

Standing up and saying I hurt is not my favorite proclamation to the world or admission to myself. I want to be made of steel where the sting of tongue poison does not leave my heart shaking with tenderness. I want to be impenetrable by others bad days turned inside out. I am not though. I am a heart that is open more than closed. I feel the sharp pain turn to sting and settle into a numbness that produces a seed. 

I don’t stand up in the face of the choice. I lay down and welcome in bitterness, because confronting the source is harder than letting the seed go. It is easier to justify than to throw the seed in the trash. Surrender. I have mentioned in almost every post. Sometimes the best way to confront is to let the person go and deal with the pain that is left behind, process it and not let it grow into more bitterness.

The results of not owning pain, letting it take root, and living with bitterness and unforgiveness is loneliness. It is a cycle of pushing away from the moment the pain takes root. It produces an inability to love fully. The letting go of the seed is a choice to love, to not let the cycle continue. It is cliché and is said in various circles, but hurt people hurt people. Hurting is a cycle that bitterness and unforgiveness love to spin through. 

Owning pain is authentic living. Words hurt and so do the painful real situations that can fuel those venom filled moments. Standing up and admitting the raw parts of life help break down the cycle and start on a path of healing and deeper relationships. Owning up to life, is owning up to every part of it. I have beautiful parts of my days, but I also have dark nights. I possess a mind that can play and replay insecurity and negativity towards myself. It runs through and through, and that is my mental battle. I can’t live in the battle alone. It is real and it’s not a side of life that I either enjoy or like admitting to, but to stop the cycle and live my life I have to own it. 

I fight my appearance. Yesterday I threw a fit over family pictures, because I do not like the way I look in them. I look bigger than I want to be and sometimes I just want to throw all the working out and eating healthy out the window, because it is not helping anything. I know all those things are good for me and “looking” is at the bottom of the list of health, it is feeling strong and being able to move through my days with a clear mind and full heart (can’t lose). This is another part of my emotional reality. It is real and I own it. No owning it, pretending it is not there is worse than standing up and admitting it. 

When we own our lives, every part of them, we let the light in. We throw the seeds out and let healing inside. The weeds will still pop up, but they do not stand a chance to continue to grow in a life that is willing to pull up the roots and show the world what is really there. A life that is embraced, is a life that can embrace not just the good parts of others, but also the not fun parts…because I am embracing mine. 

- Hannah