Not A Destination

"Here is the secret to subtraction. It doesn't matter what you remove. What matters is that you stop adding it back." - Erin Loechner

Question: The best gifts in life are often unplanned. Name one of your “detours.” How was the journey difficult to navigate? What did I learn? 

I entered a 12-step program almost a year ago and just went through commencement. I never thought that I would go into the program, because I did not struggle with the stereotypical struggles people think about when they hear “Recovery”. I did not plan on going, but I found myself sitting in a circle week after week going through the process. This year was not a year that was planned or one I ever thought I would experience, but I am glad I did. 

There is plenty of talk on the power of the process, the tools that one gains through the 12-steps. It is all true I have gained tools in my tool box and sharpened ones that had grown dull and rusted from lack of use or understanding how to use. I am thankful, but the process is hard. Emotionally this has been one of the hardest years of my life. Diving into the past to learn about myself and pain, the whys and how patterns of my life are my sin or the damage of sin; most of mine are rooted from my own sin. Cycles in my life I had become numb to, but then one day I realized that I have been standing in the same place for years, all because of my own struggles; fear, pride, control, anxiety, and little bits of other struggles that make up what I call my hot mess. 

Pain is a part of the process. It is a fact. The process is also a commitment. A commitment that I had to prioritize over my own desires of what I wanted to do. I laid down what I wanted and was doing; serving and attending a formal women’s bible study, things I enjoy and I am for, to go down this path. It was hard to watch life that I was in go on without me, and to realize that these things do not need me to keep moving. It is just a gift to be a part of something, because it is necessary for contentment or accomplishment. It is not all about me and that is the tension of life. The fight of self and others. Love versus self-reliance. Agenda versus service. It is real, and when you look at yourself through the eyes of the process, you see the true state of the heart. It is sick. It is hardened. It is self-serving. It is out for ones own interest, and in my case to try to protect from pain that I can’t avoid. 

Going through 12-step recovery, has been heart changing and I can’t wait to see the fruit of it in my days. I encourage everyone to take the year long journey, it is changing, but it is a difficult and painful journey. The change was something I was promised and expected. Just as I never thought I would find myself sitting in a weekly meeting, I never thought the pain of the process would be the part I would celebrate and be thankful for the most. 

I have learned that recovery is not a destination. Recovery is a life long journey on this earth. I will forever struggle with sin and my own will, but it is a spiritual fight worth fighting. Surrendering me and picking up what has been given to me to use; to live in the battle that is won. It seems impossible in this life, in our struggles and mess, but it is won. It is finished. That alone is a reason to get up and use the tools we are given, because there is victory from the hot mess; it is in my recovery. 

I am thankful for the unplanned gift of recovery, thankful that it is offered through my church, thankful that my unplanned was a part of the plan. I will forever be learning from this process and will keep trying to live in surrender. 

- Hannah