"Not everyone believes in her and not everyone supports her, but her God goes with her and that is what sustains her." — Morgan Harper-Nichols
Question:
Disappointment can be a lovely catalyst for change. When is the last time you
disappointed yourself? What triggered the action or behavior? What did you
learn about your own inherent reactions? How might you change?
I
feel like I disappoint myself on a regular basis. I am a perfectionist and every time I fall
back down and realize that what I am trying to achieve is impossible I shake my
head. I know I will never reach my idea of perfection, I can’t get to it, craft
it, will it, or strive for it, because every time I end up on my face. On a
more practical note I have a
list of things I need/want to accomplish before my classes start back up. I
have done some of the things, but most are still staring at me and reminding me
that work is coming fast. I feel disappointment in my body, sometimes I feel
confident and proud of where I am at, and other times I wonder why I keep
eating, exercising, and trying to be and wondering what “being” is all about.
Disappointment,
can then be flipped to productivity. I wrote the above paragraph a few days ago
and I am now two days into my class. My disappointment from
a few days ago has pushed me to use my time wisely during this season. I have
sixteen weeks before I can take a big breath of rest, till then I want to work
hard and enjoy the mini breaths I find throughout the day and in my weekends.
They exist if I am willing to
let them in and before I know it I am another week closer to sleeping in and
cozy nights in front of the fire with a good book. I digress.
I
spent my past Sunday working hard for two hours to get everything done, before
my 9 o’clock bed time. I didn’t get everything done, but it reminded me after a
summer of rest how much I can get done if I keep my head down and power
through. I cleaned out my car, prepared my binder, set up my desk, put away
summer fun, and wrote up a trial school/creative/work schedule for the first
week back and made it to bed
around 10. Not too bad for the last minute, but how much more could have been
accomplished and maybe I could have gone to bed on time if I had started
earlier.
Disappointment
can lead to change. So far this first week has been productive and I am
enjoying having a set schedule to my days as I prioritize my soul as well as my
mind. But not all disappointment leads to a positive change, it can lead to the
depths of defeat and self-loathing. I can be doing my things and running a good
race, but things end up in a hot mess. It is easy to get defeated when you have
been working hard and things end up going south or you get a bad grade, or the
presentation dies, or your ideas are shot down, despite all the hours you have
put in. It hurts. But if all of my trials, errors, and detours have taught me anything…perseverance is the way to go.
Keep going, pursuing your gifts, your responsibilities, and your deepest
frustrations, because they are what you have been given. Not everything in life
is easy, but not all the hard things will turn into the right things…I got you
there didn’t I. Not all of the things you work and strive towards will turn
out. Even when you keep pounding your
way through them they just die, but on the other side there is something else.
It may not be “better” compared to what you dreamed, but I can bet it will be
the “good” thing. Disappointment can be a catalyst to beautiful new adventures
in the midst of letting go or even laying something down; surrender.
Maybe
disappointment is really an invitation to something deeper and only a complete
downer when we let it reign in our hearts and rule our lives.
- Hannah
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