All Of It

"On most days, we're not perfect, but we're fine, and on some days, we're not fine, but we're okay, and on a few singular days of the year: nothing is okay, not even a little, and everything is terrible, and forever, amen. This fragility, this delicate nature of being, is the life we're commisioined to celebrate." - Erin Loechner 

Question: Name a particular emotion/event in your life you haven’t yet reconciled or recovered from. What steps can you take to move from denial to acceptance? From innocence to ownership? 

I have a past and I have recent past, but it is all from yesterday. I do not like how yesterday can plague my thoughts in a flash during a pause. I do my best to learn from the past, to see the good and the bad. The black and white, of what is true in my story. There is no room for grey in ownership of my life. I hide, push, and leave in stressful situations that show the world my weaknesses. I have said this already, but I do not like to be seen in vulnerable settings. I have been made fun of over and over in my yesterdays for my tears, so I do not let it rain in front of the world. I keep it locked, but eventually the box has to open. 

Owning my yesterdays has been more than accepting that mistakes were made, it has meant taking the next step and apologizing for my actions to those I pushed away through my actions; spreading the message that they were not enough for me. They are not enough. Owning means accepting and doing what needs to be done to move forward and live as peaceably as possible with everyone that has fallen victim to my sin. 

Living authentically, is a hard but beautiful way of embracing the good and bad with abandon and complete honesty. I know my weaknesses and faults, and will continue to learn and discover more about them just as I learn about my gifts and talents. Ownership also takes gratitude. Without the mistakes I wouldn’t know what I do now. I wouldn’t have grown without mistakes and successes. I need them all to become the woman I need to be. 

The temptation is to shine a light on all of the good parts of life, but the cost of not owning all of life is ignoring the pain my actions have caused and the sin that holds me back from truly loving others and experiencing life. Another Recovery tool I gained is Inventory. Step 5 of the process is to take a fearless and complete inventory of our lives. Continuing to take inventory of my days; my fears, hurts, and the ways I have caused harm helps me recognize bad behaviors, surrender my hurt to God, and walk forward in trying to live peaceably with all. 

Hiding doesn’t help anyone. More than anything it hinders personal growth and is definitely a sure fire way to slowly suck the life out of relationships. Owning your life makes you face your mistakes and gives you the ability to walk freely into what God has for you. I'd rather own my life than spend my time hiding from things I can’t change and miss the opportunity to move forward.