Control to Will and Surrender

"You know how I always seem to be struggling, even when the situation doesn't call for it?" 

- Carrie Fisher

Question: Explore a scenario in which you have struggled or are currently struggling to release control. What was your desired outcome? Did you receive it? 

Control. My core desire is to process it and receive what I want, when and how I would like to receive it. I have tried that method. No matter the situation it does not work. Control is a false reality in my opinion, it seems to deliver what you want, but in reality it takes and steals from what is true and turns it into a lie. That is why when manipulation and plans start catching up with a person it finally dawns deep in the gut that they are out of control no matter how much they try to convince themselves otherwise. Control a sucker of truth and life. Control however beautiful and alluring it seems is not worth the price, I know. 

I used to lie through my teeth. I believed that just being myself was not enough in a new world where I was the one who was the stranger hoping to be welcomed in. After just one small week of being myself I started my game, my goal was to make a friend, my end game turned into a thirst for popularity. Control leads to one’s own implosion and leaves a wreckage of destruction and brokenness in its aftermath. My selfishness led me so close to getting kicked out of school and my dad getting investigated for physical abuse towards me that never happen. My thirst led me to lie about my father hurting me, in the name of gaining friends. Control can quickly run to lust, that can lead to a hot mess of crazy that takes not a single thing off the table. Control says you have to keep going deeper, instead of choosing to finally speak the truth. 

Different people do different things to gain control. Lying was my choice of vice, but it is typically one of the tools always used to manipulate the board. Then you wake up and realize that no matter how hard you play and strategize you will never win the game, and even more so you realize that life is not a game to be played, but a gift to experience. A gift that is given by the one who is in control and knows how the story is going to go, even when we try to manipulate it. God is still in control and He uses all things for the good of those who love Him. 

God used my desire for control and all my sin that came with that desire to get me to finally look up. To see my need for Him and to surrender my insecurity and accept my identity; who I am today. I once was lost, but now I am found. I am also forgiven for my need control. I am learning to surrender when the temptation comes. 

Surrender, it is the opposite of control. It is releasing my will and plan to God and saying yes I want your will and your plan for my life. It is accepting what God says and laying aside what I say and what I want. Laying down popularity and likability for the road less travelled. A road that denies myself, picks up my cross, and follows in surrender. Not my will but His be done. 

It is easy to write and harder to live. Grace. Always grace as the monster prowls around taunting me to take what I want in whatever way possible, because I am more important. This is the battle, it is deeper than the physical momentary desire, and it is spiritual war over my devotion. Control, no matter what you can get…you will always want more. 

- Hannah