The Letdown Place

“There is only today, with holes in our pockets, with time spilling out. We cannot keep it for tomorrow. We cannot mend our seams to hoard, save carry.” - Erin Loechner

Question: What is your gut reaction to disappointment (Be specific!)? What can I learn from this reaction? Can it be changed, improved upon? How?

Disappointment. I am well acquainted with letdown. A shock of numbness and apathy races through my body, pure unblinking “now what”. The flutter of eyelashes start as I try to fight and hold back my tears of hurt as doubt starts falling over me. My mind races with what did I do, what did I not do, could I have acted differently and ended up in the place I hoped for. I start to question. Then after hours and sometimes days of obsession, I try to just be. 

Long story, but disappointment leads me to think more about me, me, and me. Selfishness is what I see. A little kid who wants what they want when and how they want it. But that is not the way of my God whose ways are higher and thoughts are deeper still. There is an appropriate amount of grieving that is acceptable, but then I need to stand back up and move forward. Disappointment isn't and shouldn’t be a permanent posture towards life, even though it feels really comfortable to stay in that position. When I am comfortable I am not living in the abundance I have been given, I am living in my own power. 

Being uncomfortable is not a sign of being miserable, but a sign of being out of control for me. And it takes all my strength to kneel down, look up, and believe that there is something else for me beyond every let down that I face; something of greater purpose maybe a greater plan. 

Disappointment is not the end all be all. That is the truth. It can feel, look, and seem like the end, but it is not the end. Disappointment is an invite to surrender, to keep moving forward. The process, grieve the without, and the shut doors, because it does hurt, then as soon as possible dust off the boots and take each day as it comes. Disappointment and all, each day as it comes. Because it will come again, but so does the dawn. It comes, until one day the glorious light is all that we'll behold. 

Dealing with disappointment is not a cut and dry thing, but it is not a permanent obstacle either, disappointment is never the end of the story with my God. That is where I have to rest when the door shuts once again. 

- Hannah