#MeToo: Brave Story

Next week I have an amazing woman to introduce you too. But this week I thought I would re-share my #metoo. This is another part of my story and my brave. I hope that wherever you are, you know and hold on to the truth that you are never alone. There are others who have been through similar situations and God has and will never leave you. You are not alone. This is a piece of my brave. - Hannah

I have started and stopped writing this post for over a week. I have thought about it and discarded it. I have made excuses and bottled up more fear and anxiety over this part of my story than any other that I have shared with the world. Vulnerability has never been my strong suit and this is a part of my story that I do not want to share and be disrespected because of it. And maybe that feeling of wanting to be respected and treasured comes from the fact that on multiple occasions I was not respected or treasured, but looked at as an object. Something to be used, abused, and manipulated to believe that I deserved every sexual innuendo, grope, and touch.  This is my #metoo, but beyond being one of millions of women and men who are sexually abused and used, I want you to know you are never alone and there is hope on the other side.

Because truly there is another side. One day I was innocent and naïve and the next day I was more aware than I wanted to be. One day I felt like a princess, treasured, a daughter of the King of Kings, respected, and human. The next day I felt like a garbage, dirty, broken, impure, and worthless. There is a clear line in my life of before abuse and after. The first time I was ever touched I was a little girl at my friend’s house, her father was bored or drunk, maybe both and he touched me. I did not know what to do with that information and as quickly as it happened it was over, and thankfully it never happened again. But that day, I became very aware at five years old that I was a sexual being. Even though I am technically a virgin, that day the seed of lust was planted and I have struggled, wrestled and been in more prayer over lust in my life than any other sin issue. 

Fast-forward I was starting the spring semester of my freshman year of high school and like most high school journeys in was filled with drama, some of it was silly miscommunications and others were more serious. It started with simple brushes in the hallway, I didn’t think much of it because our hallways were narrow and there were a lot of students. Those awkward brushes of bodies happen occasionally, but it gradually became touching, then grabbing. I would be sitting in class and feel my bra being unhooked. I felt trapped and started suffering a lot of anxiety. There were multiple times that my mom would have to get a sub for her class and take me to the doctor, because before the day would even begin my stomach would start knotting and on occasion I would get sick. I tried telling my principal one day and he told me I deserved it. I tried telling my mom, but sometimes I think it is hard to find the words to say that make our loved ones hear us. I blamed everyone’s lack of caring on my past of telling lies; maybe they still thought I was a little liar. I felt like even though I had done a lot of work to earn trust back, maybe I never would fully earn it back when it came to things that mattered most. Maybe the gropes, touches, and nasty words being whispered in my ear were my punishment for those years of being dishonest. Maybe I did truly deserve this. 

Lies are dishonest. I used to tell them and it turns out that I am really good at accepting and believing them too. I am twenty-four years old and I still struggle with the abuse of my past. I do not know if I will ever not wrestle with what happened to me. Thankfully during my sophomore year all the anxiety and doctor appointments led my parents to pull me out of my school and I went back to homeschool. On my own I started healing in small steps. Getting back into social circles was hard, but it was the step that showed me that not every guy is going to treat me with disrespect. But, I still struggled when I would be alone in a public space or even going for a walk around the neighborhood. I would turn around and sometimes run home or take longer paths home, because I did not want to pass by a guy jogging. I would get extremely anxious being alone with any guy, even friends. I struggle with my self-esteem. I still sometimes look in the mirror and all I see is a piece of trash that will never be worthy of any man’s love someday. I still see garbage. Sometimes I just call it a hot mess to make people smile, but it is truly how I see myself sometimes; worthless. But there is hope. I know that is easy to say to spin something, but there is truly hope. 

While I still wrestle and am learning from these experiences from my life, God is healer. I know that, because even though I struggle, I do not struggle every moment of every day like I once did. I can take a walk and pass a neighbor and not look over my shoulder after we pass to make sure he is not following me. I have days when I do not cave to the compulsion of lust, because I do not know what else to do with my anxiety. I can look in the mirror and tell myself I am beautiful and worthy of love and actually believe it after a minute of affirmation. I could have easily decided that I hated all men and never ever wanted to love or even be friends with one again, but I do. I have had healthy friendships with guys and I do have a deep desire to get married someday. 

What those boys meant for evil, that robbed me of innocence, led me to seek shelter in my Savior. My hope. I am naïve to think that my story or any amount of awareness will end the sickness of abuse, but I know that what can heal every heart that looks in the mirror and believes the lie of worthlessness, is Jesus Christ. He came and died to rescue the broken and crushed and spirit. I have faced disappointment in life, but the only time I have truly felt crushed and the weight of persecution was when I was facing abuse. I can’t tell you how much His love was truly what healed and still heals the broken places. But, outside of my Savior I found tools to help healing through counseling and recovery. 

Retelling my abuse story was not something I was thinking I would do through my 12-step program this past year, but it was one of the main things that has been still plaguing my thought life and feeding my fear. It wasn’t until this past week that I told my dad this part of my story. I spent many years healing and going through this with God alone, hardly ever letting anyone into the story of my abuse. This past year attending a recovery program through my church was the first time I ever shared what had happened to me. I still believed that no one would truly ever care that I was used physically and hurt emotionally. But, they did and do care about my life and the hurt places.

Bottom line. You are not alone in your journey. This is not just #metoo, there is a beautiful future on the other side of abuse.

Abusers only win, when we stay down and let their actions continue to dictate our lives. While I can’t erase the events and the effects on my life, because they did happen and they are a part of my story.  I do not have to stay in my grief as a victim of sexual abuse. I am still healing and on this journey of bringing the lies of darkness into the light. Through council, leaning on my faith, and loved ones I feel safe with I have been able to make it to today. The other day, I told a friend I did not want to write this, that I did not know how. She encouraged me to say no to the fear and the lies that still whisper to my heart. And I am writing this. You are not alone. Do not let the comfort and emotional release of #metoo, stop you from seeking council and tools to face tomorrow with the truth closer to you than every lie that you were made to believe. I am doing my best each day to live in the present because I have been given each new day to rise above my yesterday, I hope as each day comes you can stand and say me too, because you are worth more than what has been said and done to you.

-Hannah

Angela Cox: Brave Story

This week's Brave Story is tender to me, because I see this woman everyday. Angela Cox is my mom, friend, and editor of all my school assignments and writing projects. She is amazing in more ways than one, but it is her daily perseverance in the face of daily pain that has me and everyone that knows her in awe. Her faith is beautiful. Her example is one I follow. I am honored to introduce you to the woman that has championed my life. This is my Mom. This is her Brave.  - Hannah

"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well."  Psalms 139:13-14

My story begins on my birthday, May 22, 1963, I was born with several musculoskeletal problems. I  was diagnosed with Scoliosis, curvature of the spine, at the age of four. I honestly don’t know if I have ever lived a day without pain. I don’t remember being in a lot of pain as a child but when I look at pictures from my childhood, I see the face of a child in pain. I do remember complaining to my parents about my back hurting while standing at the sink washing dishes. My dad though I was trying to get out of doing my chores; he told me to stop complaining and get the job done. I think somewhere along the way I just accepted that pain was just a part of my life, blocked it out, and just kept on moving.

There were just certain things I couldn’t do, I was never an athlete. I wore a Milwaukee back brace for twenty-three hours a day from the fourth grade until my Junior year in high school when the doctors began weaning me out of it, that brace kept me from having back surgery. During that one hour of freedom, I was to shower and do back exercises the doctors had prescribed for me. I wasn’t a cooperative patient when it came to the exercises. I fought my parents about doing them and they would bribe me to do them. Somewhere along the way, they gave up fighting me and I stopped doing them. I saw doctors frequently throughout my childhood and teen years but once I was free of the brace and the doctors dismissed me, I stopped seeing anyone on a regular basis.

I was tired of all the doctor visits and just wanted to live life. I graduated from college, went to work for a major oil company, got married, and had a child all while dealing with back pain to some degree on a daily basis. On occasion I would have very painful back spasms. My remedy was Advil and laying flat on the floor with my feet propped up. The pain would resolve and I would get back up and keep on going. If the pain got to be more than the Advil could handle, I would go to my primary care doctor and get a prescription for muscle relaxers. A couple of days later all would be good and I would get back up and keep on going.

 In the summer of 2010, my family had an opportunity to travel with our Senior Pastor to Greece and Turkey. I really wanted to go on that trip. I had lived in Turkey for two years as a young child, the trip included sites I had visited as a child and the city I had lived in. However, my husband pointed out that I couldn’t go on the trip because of my back issues. I realized that I had been letting my back pain determine how I lived life. Once that realization hit, I got mad. I decided that it was time to follow-up with a specialist.

Over the next seven years, I saw five orthopedic specialists and a pain management doctor. I walked away from each visit frustrated and angry. There is no good medical solution for my pain problem. The only thing the medical world has to offer me at this point is pain pills, muscle relaxers, and steroid injections. The problem is I am super-sensitive to pain medication. One Advil knocks me out. If the label says, “medication might cause drowsiness,” I’m going to sleep. My primary care doctor shakes his head at me because I refuse to take a muscle relaxer every night. Yes, the muscle relaxer helps but I’m useless until after noon the day after I take one. I don’t want to live my life as a zombie who can’t function. The steroid injections would weaken my bones over time. The last doctor I saw recommended that I avoid them. He felt that I would need back surgery within the next ten years and I need my bones to be as strong as possible.  

There have been times throughout my life that I’ve been angry at God. I’ve questioned why he made me this way?  Why can I not live a life free of pain? I have over time come to see my back pain as my thorn in the flesh. It is there to keep me humble and remind me that I can do nothing in my own strength. It is there to slow me down and keep me focused.  It also reminds me that this world is a fallen place full of pain and sorrow. This world is not my home, there will come a time when I will be free of this broken body and the pain.

I live life at a slower pace than most, but I also live a full life. At this time in my life, I volunteer in the front office at the church; during the school year, I volunteer at a Good News Club; I’m helping launch a non-profit organization that will serve youth aging out of foster care; and I’m taking an online course to become a proofreader. For now, I take Advil or a muscle relaxer if the pain gets to be too much, sit in my zero gravity recliner, use my acupuncture pad, and periodically I do my stretches. Yes, after all these years, I’m still not the best patient when it comes to doing my exercises daily. I pray the last doctor I saw was wrong and I will never “need” back surgery. However, I’ve noticed over the last couple of years that my spine is shifting and twisting. 

This one thing I do know, “I can do all things through him who strengthens me.” Philippians 4:13 

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Angela volunteers in different capacities in her church and community. She has a Bachelor of Business Administration with a major in Accounting from East Texas State University. Angela is a licensed CPA—and believe it or not, she actually likes doing income taxes!

Angela devoted years of her life to raising and homeschooling her daughter who is now an adult. She is passionate about encouraging youth to make their own path and select the career that's right for them. In her free time Angela enjoys reading, genealogy, quilting, and learning new things.

She is on the board of WAY Alliance a non-profit in North Texas, helping young adults who are aging out of the foster care system step into the bright future before them. 

Amber Cranfill: Brave Story

Amber's story rocked me to the core. Her perseverance and continuation to listen to God as she made moves towards a new direction, inspire me. The biggest leap of faith and boldness for Amber happened during Hurricane Harvey. It was hard time for many and not an ideal time to launch a business, but Amber did and God was with her all the way. He provided in the storm I am excited to give Amber the floor today and share her story with us. - Hannah

‘But He said to them, “Why are you fearful, O you of little faith?” Then He arose and rebuked the winds and the sea, and there was a great calm. So the men marveled, saying, “Who can this be, that even the winds and the sea obey Him?” Matthew 8:26-27

I have been a Registered Nurse for 14 long years. Most recently, I was a staff nurse in the Pediatric ER for a Level 1 Trauma Hospital for 6 years. It was busy. The hardest job I’ve ever had, for more reasons than I can count. For several years, I kept trying to find a way out of nursing. But, for some reason God told me to just stay put. Stay in the job that was stable and provided well for my family, but I had one foot out the door. The day I realized that I no longer wanted to work in the ER was the day I silently hoped I would get into a car wreck on my commute, so I would have an excusable reason not to come in that day. That’s when I knew that the trauma ER life was wearing on me.

I said a silent prayer that day when I got home. “God, I just want to own my own business, but I don’t know what I’m good at.” I knew I had to leave the toxic environment in the Emergency Center, but I love the work we did. Saving lives is rewarding and addictive in many ways. The nursing profession is amazing and necessary, but it comes with great personal sacrifices and takes an emotional toll. It took about 3 years for all the pieces to fall into place so that I could leave nursing. During that time, I had 3 knee surgeries. All to the same knee, each attempt trying to fix the damage the first surgery (and other complications) had left behind. After my second surgery, my Ortho doc told me that I might want to start looking for another career. I lost the function of half of my upper thigh muscles, and PT was not working well. I could barely walk. It was one thing if I was tired of nursing, but it was an entirely different situation to have a doctor telling me to kiss nursing goodbye. I was a little heartbroken. Okay, maybe a lot heartbroken. I had worked hard for the RN title, that at times I took for granted.

Just prior to the last knee surgery, I started getting my lashes done. Eyelash extensions had become my new obsession. They made me feel amazing and pretty. I remember my lash artist telling me how much she was making. A year into the lash industry, she was making close to what I was making as a nurse. It peaked my interest. Was it something I could do? I spoke to God about it. Maybe it would be enough money to replace nursing. My husband and I talked about it, and I jumped head first into cosmetology school for lashes. It took about 5 months to complete the classes and then take the state testing to receive my specialty cosmetology license. I passed the exam the first time!

The road to where I am today with my business was not always easy. I had spoken with a local salon about renting a booth as an independent contractor. However, when I agreed to work there the management changed the agreed upon terms at the last minute. I knew that God was closing the door on that opportunity. I couldn’t agree to the terms. Then I had an opportunity to work from a friend’s salon on Sundays until I could find a more permanent solution.

I remember the day I put my deposit down on our commercial space. I was terrified. I didn’t have enough clients to afford the rent. I felt God tugging at my heart and leading me to step out in faith, but I didn’t have a clear message. No billboard from God saying.... hey you... open your own place. But regardless, I put that money down and immediately felt at peace. God continued to lead me to everything I needed to be a business owner. I had zero experience, not one business class. Google and prayer became my new weapons as I marched forward. I did the work, God blessed it, and multiplied my faith.

I opened Eye Candy Lash & Beauty Bar in September of 2017, right in the middle of a natural disaster surrounding our city. Harvey hit our area hard. Brazoria County had flooding and many lost everything. I wondered if anyone would be able to afford a luxury like lash extensions. But, the clients came, booth renters came, and God provided in the midst of an epic storm. His message was loud and clear.

Looking back over the past year, I never would’ve dreamed that God would lead me to own my Beauty Bar, that I would be fully booked and thriving, or that I would even be good at lashes. My knee is doing well now, I only have a few issues. I can honestly say that I don’t miss nursing, but my license remains active and hopefully in the near further I can use it to expand my services to include other cosmetic treatments. There is a peace that comes when you are obedient to God and follow where he is leading, even when it doesn’t make sense.

“But it is good for me to draw near to God; I have put my trust in the Lord God, that I may declare all Your works.” Psalms 73:28

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Born and raised in the great State of Texas, Amber Cranfill has been a Registered Nurse since 2004. She spent numerous years working with critically ill children and most recently worked in one of the largest Children's Emergency Rooms in the country as a Certifed Pediatric Emergency Nurse with a Trauma Nurse Certification. In 2017, after feeling a calling to make a career change, Amber attended Cosmetology School and became a licensed Lash Artist. She opened her first Business: Eye Candy Lash & Beauty Bar and has welcomed 7 other beauty professionals. Married to her High School sweetheart with two beautiful children, Amber loves Jesus, her rescue animals, all things Halloween, and loud music.
You can follow her on Instagram at The Lash Nurse