Lies On Shuffle

God doesn’t want you to be sad. You need to be showing up in a small group, there you will get support. You need to move out of your parent’s house, or you will never grow. If you had faith, you would not have left college. If you really believed in God, you would not grieve but celebrate death. You should smile more, because Jesus loves you. You are a horrible example of what it means to love God. If your parents had more kids, and sent you to public school, you would have been prepared for life. 

Believe it or not that is just a small collection of what I heard from people, who I thought would be a source of encouragement, after my Nana’s death in 2011.

In the silence these lies can come back into rotation. They are vicious. They paralyze me. I can remember where I was and how I felt like yesterday. Small and invisible in my pain. Sometimes I still feel this way.

Over years of healing and some perspective, I no longer see the faces that spoke those lies. I only hear the words. They truly were trying to love me, it just came out very wrong. My pain was painful for them. Others, were seriously wrong and had no good reason for speaking, they were just mean. The comment about the size of my family and digs at my education. . .I am thankful that now I can tell the difference, between attempts at love and cruel intentions

But it doesn’t erase the shots my heart took, when I was already down and waving for help. It’s like they thought I was a made of titanium, unable to feel every diminishing word. 

As hard and uncomfortable as our pain is for us, it makes others search for the EXIT. They should be thankful they can escape, because we can’t. This is life sometimes.   

Life is hard, messy, frustrating, broken, stressful, and sad. Sometimes smiling isn’t honest. Sometimes faith looks more like questions than a pretty dress. Sometimes being strong means going home again. 

Time has shown me that I am not alone in these feelings. You have been there. The lies rush back, you feel invisible, you hurt all over again, or it is all brand new. I am not alone. You are not alone. 

Here is to when the lies rush in. They are not true. They are not a reflection of who you are, or who you are becoming. Your pain is lovable. Your pain is not scary. You are not scary. You are a hot mess human, and that is beautiful. You are loved. You are chosen. You are needed in this world. It is okay to be sad. It is okay to express where you are. You may not be understood by everyone, but you are fully known by God who eats the lies for breakfast. He sees you and is not going anywhere.

Truth lasts; lies are here today, gone tomorrow. Proverbs 12:19 (MSG)

- Hannah