“People travel to wonder at the height of mountains,
at the huge waves of the seas, at the long course of the rivers, at the vast
compass of the ocean, at the circular motion of the stars, and yet they pass by
themselves without wondering.” – St. Augustine
Question: When is the last time you rejected a
significant opportunity? What emotions fueled your decision? Any hidden
regrets?
(Can I freely say, I do not like where some of these
questions are taking me. They are hard messy and my pride says do not let
people see. The end.)
Honestly, I reject significant opportunities every
day. I reject to stay safe, lazy, and safe. I like safety. Safety is overrated,
but I like it so much. I'd rather
stay curled up in my house all day then go out and do things. Some call it introversion or isolation, I
call it predictable and safe. On occasion
the house can be interesting, a cat may vomit or a disagreement can take
place…but most the time the house is a safe haven for dreams, books, and
emotions.
I have mentioned already that I am a feeler. I feel
things deeply and sometimes in extremes. When grief comes in I stay tight
within myself. When I love someone, I go all in as much as possible to the
point of obsessing over my constant unfaithfulness and how I could be better,
even though better usually is a disguise for perfect. The opportunity to
embrace new anything makes me feel all sorts of things. I feel excited,
anxious, scared, nauseated, and
empowered all that the same time. It is complex, but isn’t that the way of an
onion, layers upon layers of deep tear inducing flavor after every slice.
I am currently at a cross roads. I have accomplished a
mile stone, a marker of the faithfulness of my Savior, in my life in learning
and accepting the process of recovery. I am now standing before a “what is next” sign, with
multiple new starts before me. It is easier to stay standing in one place and
admire the options, than to actually open one and step into it. I have things I
need to follow through on, that scare me. I have things I should at least try
before I decide, that scare me. I have gifts in my back pocket, which scare me.
I haven’t rejected anything as much as I have avoided obedience and responsibility. I am good at that, always
have been, but then I end up fumbling into what I am supposed to do. Somehow it
is easier for me to tumble into something than it is to boldly walk through a
door. I am a hot mess after all.
One thing
is true no matter the situation, I
always have regret. The regret of I should do this and that and then the
buts come in to help me justify and stay in the safe haven of comfort. It
disgusts me how comfortable I am with myself. Some people praise me for it, but
it is not a praise worthy thing in my opinion. I am hyper aware of my
weaknesses to the point that I miss truth or am so tone deaf I can’t even
recognize it. I am so aware that more often than not I despise myself, rather
than see the value in who I am created to be. I have some beautiful qualities
that I have been given, but if I do not step into the opportunities how do
those things mature…how do I hear the truth?
It is a fun twisty rattle your insides ride. I pray
for boldness and bravery more than I pray for comfort and peace on these doors
of opportunity and obedience. I am sitting on some things I have been called to
do and am ignoring things I have been given to experience. Sometimes those
experiences never come again. Sometimes
there is not a second chance at “that”. But I have to believe even in my unfaithfulness
and disobedience there is something to learn
or grab that will push me into something equally as opportunistic as
what I was offered before.
Sometimes I think my big fear is that home will not be
there if I leave it. Home base will disappear and I will have nowhere to go, to
be calm and curl up. I do not like my calm disrupted, it is how I keep living.
Introversion is tricky and sometimes I wish I was one of those extroverted
hyper types that got fueled by people, instead of drained of all my resources.
I do not like being drained. But if I do not step towards a door how can I be
emptied and then find rest in the refueling. I am meant to empty, pour out, re-fuel and continue. More
often than not I find myself just being drained in this season when I step out.
I do not experience the re-fuel as I am told I should. I step out, pour out,
and become depleted and crying out because I have committed to such and such
and so and so and I am so loyal that I can’t shout I need space and even if I
do no one seems to see.
My past tells me no, but my soul tells me yes.
Recovery taught me something. The past is the past and if we do not surrender
it all, it will continue to rule and determine the tomorrows. I agree if
whatever it is, is not surrendered those same expectations and truths of
yesterday will become the truths of my tomorrow. I do not want to be used to
the point I look up and I do not see myself, but a product of expectations and
others desires for me. I have been there in ministry, relationships, and even
in my education. I do not want to lose me in the opportunities before me. It is
a cycle of people pleasing, loyalty, and perfectionism that gets me to that
point. It is not necessarily people themselves, but myself face to face with
others. Pressure from old can come back up so quick. Panic. Do more. Be more.
You are not enough.
Doors. They stand before me. Opportunity, significant
chances and changes. An opportunity to lose what needs to be lost, and embrace
what has been given to me. Surrender. Grace. Surrender. Move. Here is to
putting a foot forward and being faithful to what I have been given in
embracing newness of myself daily.
To not relying on feelings, but on faith.
- Hannah
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