Family Plan

Fear arises when we imagine, that everything depends on us. – Elisabeth Elliot

Question: What does surrender mean to you? What are you unwilling to surrender? Explore with honesty.

To me surrender is letting go, laying something down, and taking a step back in trust that what I desperately want to have control over will come to be. Surrender is the opposite of control. Chains broken off flying free. Surrender is an openness to experience creation rather than create experiences. Surrender says “Yes Lord I am listening”. Control screams “Lord, I do not trust you with this”. I live in a constant state of laying down and picking up, a place of pleading to God to help my unbelief because in and of myself I am weak and I need His strength to get back down and walk away from my desires. 

I am all for pursuing what God has placed before me. But, some things are not before me they are purely desire floating out in the wide open landscape of possibility. They are maybes that I hope will be yes’s and part of me is scared of getting a no. What will become of me if those desires do not happen? Who will I be, will I be ok? The answer is always yes. I will be secure, because God is good all the time, all the time God is good. No matter what goes sideways or if I meet a bolted shut door, I will be good. My life will be good, because He is good. I will be ok. But…I struggle with letting go and being ok with the no. I do not know if I am content with that option, I know I need to be, but I do not know if I am. I say “am”, because right now that is what I am faced with. Some people call it “the maybe place”, but until it is a “yes” it is a “no” in my eyes. I have to face the possibility of no, because I know if I am greeted with a yes, I will be excited, but the no is another story. Can I lay down my desire knowing fully well a “no” could be the answer? 

Ever since I could remember I have wanted to have a family. To meet a godly man, grow in like and love, do a little jig down to the chapel, start the wild adventure of togetherness, watch my belly grow, and stand back amazed at the adventure God chose for us to travel, eternally grateful for the gift we have been given in our family from God. I desire it. A family. That adventure. I do not talk about the desire often, because if I do I tend to spiral into a cycle that starts with fear, panic, ungratefulness, and ends in a pit of bitterness about my life. I live my days in the land of “no” because that is what I have been given today. 

I lay down my desire and I keep my mouth shut in the world around me, because if I acknowledge it I start trying to find “him” that wink-wink Mr. to my Mrs. Some would say that is what I need to be doing, hunting till I find the one to capture and take him as my prey. I am oddly old fashioned when it comes to family, compared to the world and my peers. I believe in the guy doing the searching and seeking with God, not the other way around. So…because of that truth, I stay in my lane in my zone and do not dwell on it. When the thought comes or lust comes a knocking, I lay it all down again. God you lead the way of my life, love, and craft. 

“Therefore do not let sin reign in your mortal body, so that you obey its desires. And do not offer any parts of it to sin as weapons for unrighteousness. But as those who are alive from the dead, offer yourselves to God, and all the parts of yourselves to God as weapons for righteousness.” 

Romans 6:12-13

It is hard for me to surrender it, because for a long time it is was something I placed my hope on. Hope for my future was dependent on who was next to me. The thing is I already have someone next to me, inside of me, and leading me through my days and transforming my life. An adventure is what I am already on and today I look around at this gift I have been given through blood and the life around me…and I am grateful for it. It is a beautiful gift my life, no matter if I will ever enjoy it with someone else, I am not and never will be alone. 

I lay down my desire at Your feet.

O, God help me not grow weary.

I raise my hands in the heat.

While my mind battles with theory. 

-Hannah