Our culture is all about shallow relationships. But that
doesn’t mean we should stop looking each other in the eye and having deep
conversations. – Francis Chan
Question: Explore a recent challenge in one of your closest
relationships. First, remove expectation or blame. Now what happened? What did
you learn about yourself?
Miscommunication is the nice way to put it, but in general
it is a complete lack of communication is what fractures my relationships. I
wish this would only describe some of my relationships, but it is most of them.
I am not the best communicator. In the world of screens rather than faces and
emotions I tend to misread, and misreads become misunderstandings, which
lead to conflict, which feeds avoidance, and turns into years passing and me scratching my head wondering
what the heck went wrong. Then I “ding”.
I come back to the miscommunication
and a lack of love that I was so confident in proclaiming that I had for the
people I called “my people”. A
lack of respect for others and a deeper concern for my own feelings, shoots
poison into heart of friendship. I am a creator and receptor of poison.
Some would blame it on my “only child upbringing”, which I always have felt is more of a
finger point at my parents than at me. Some would blame it on my personality of
introversion and introspection, which I always though was shooting a finger at the God who
crafted me. I blame it all on my sin. A heart condition bent on pleasing myself
before anyone else. It is not my parents or Gods fault, it is my own.
Justification can’t make selfishness, fear, and pride become a picture of beauty.
It is vile, the poison that pumps from my heart, to my veins, straight through to the spit in my mouth as I open or
swallow in response or lack of one. Sin is gross. But, I am a victim of grace.
So much grace is poured out on me and repentance is a moment by moment posture
in my life of words or lack of. I am a stubborn girl.
I am not good at confrontation. There was a group of friends
I used to be close with and it irritated me how much they did not want to enter
into a good messy confrontation over miscommunication or sin or whatever was
causing some issues in any relationship. I was so frustrated, then I looked in
the mirror. I am the same. I avoid the very thing that can take a relationship,
any relationship, deeper in connection and support. It is when we lay it down
ourselves and bring the muck into the light that we can move forward. Without
forward motion I just keep kicking mud up over myself and others, until the whole world looks like the muck; dirty and too messy to bother with. I miss out,
while I wait for the mud to dry out.
It is a sick fact, but I sometimes really like missing out.
There is a weird contentment in staying put and not moving. There are seasons
for staying put in rest and reflection,
but then there are the seasons
when we need to move to live out instead of within ourselves. Then there is a
part of me that starts bubbling with envy, sadness, and feeling like trash when
I am not included when I am tossed out to the side of the road waiting to be
picked up by the garbage man. Rejection comes back around to you when you
reject confrontation, to see the
others. Feeling like garbage is a reflection of treating others like garbage,
but that is not who we all are. We are all rare one of a kind treasures set loose on the world for a divine purpose,
but yet we can feel the direct opposite of who we really are. I can feel the
opposite.
When I feel like I am all that is wrong with the world and
am super aware of all that is in
process of daily sanctification; divine transformation, I stop myself. I am
learning to stop, take what is really wrong, confess it, and do my best to live
in peace. I am not perfect, but I am a treasure. They are not perfect, but they
are divine creatures. How can I develop healthy relationships if I am not
willing to acknowledge who both of us truly are; worth confrontation, tears,
laughter, and growth in purpose and love. I am working on it. Each day. Getting
back up, seeing my sin, and coming to you in honesty. I am wrong in so many
ways, but I hope that even in my messy display, we can be friends that communicate with each
other. I want to be a friend to you.
- Hannah
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