Fig Leaves

“Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves…So the Lord God called out to the man and said to him, ‘Where are you?’ And he said, ‘I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked, so I hid.’” Genesis 3:7, 9-10

Question: How have you attempted to hide your failure in the past? Where you successful in doing so? Why or why not? 

I have already stated this, but I am a hider. Think Adam and Eve in the garden after they ate the no-no fruit. Think Jonah and the big fish. Think David trying to cover up his bad decision that started by looking out on the neighboring roof top. I pull back from what is around me and do my best to hide my short comings. I have done this from big things, like my fear and stealing, to smaller mistakes like food hording and surrendering to desire. I am good at sewing fig leaves to cover my vulnerability and humanity, to hide from the things that everyone else already knows and many can relate to. 

Failure is not my favorite label. I like to be optimistic and think of all those moments as learning opportunities. They were not failures, I was just being an active participant in learning. In reality they are failures. I failed. I messed up. I sinned. I lied. I hid. I failed. Yet I am not very good at hiding my short comings. It seems my failures are pointed out more than I would like them to be, or maybe I am just listening to the wrong voices. Being optimistic or not, failure is a lesson maker. I learn from every wrong turn, mistake, and straight bad judgement. They lead me to something greater, connection. 

I am most vulnerable in my wrong decisions and weaknesses. Doing the right things and succeeding at everything I touch, is not relatable. Fact: I just completed a year of walking through a 12-step recovery program. I touched on this journey earlier in this Journal Journey, it is my most read blog post. Why? Because it is authentic. It is real. It shows my weaknesses. In our weaknesses God is made strong. When they are exposed to the light, weaknesses lose their power of shame, and opportunity for real connections become a reality. 

So yes, I have been successful in hiding my failures from myself. I tend to be an open book. People look at me and they can see the reality behind my eyes and make a pretty accurate educated guess at my weakness as a human being. People do not like to be friends with others who are not honest. It is a breeding ground of insecurity and betrayal. I have lost and destroyed more relationships with my dishonesty and fake facade of togetherness.  It is easier to hide when there is some sort of shame associated with the failure. Most of the time that is the case. Even though I can bury the fail and pretend it didn’t happen, it slowly but surely grows a bud of shame. Shame continually reminds one of the failure and shows up when ones searches my soul. Some successes are not worth being proud of and are really more of a failure. 

Hiding failure is not a success, it is another failure. Embarrassment, shame, or fear of exposure for the benefit of individuals who are struggling with those same struggles themselves. How can the cycle stop? Come into the light, expose it all not to become “relatable” but to be honest. Honesty is the best policy, I have learned that truth on most of the avenues of my life. Honesty is what breaks the cycle, it is what turns every failure into that learning opportunity, and failure loses its ability to breed shame; the “why bother” life. 

I am glad I have never been successful at hiding my failures from others, because it helped me walk into the light and provided me with some critical life lessons. 

- Hannah